Grieving is a strange situation. I’ve read a few books on losing a parent since my father died and have been open about how I feel, but I can’t shake the feeling that something is missing. (Obvious joke: My dad is missing!) Honestly, I didn’t expect this to be so difficult. I thought that I had come to terms with the man my father was, his abusive history, and my feelings about it. Still, his death has has a tremendous impact on me and I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do about it.

I dream of my dad most nights and often wake up crying. I haven’t cried in my waking life yet, which I find unsettling. Last night I dreamed my wife and I were there, at my father’s house, and my dad was trying to get us to take Lady, the dog we had when I was about 10 years old, home to North Carolina with us. He thought she’d be a good watchdog while we were away. I don’t recall why I was crying, though. Prior to his death, I did not often recall any of my dreams. Now, though, I frequently remember them with clarity and they’re often breathtakingly realistic to the point that I don’t know I’m dreaming, which is pretty unusual for me.

I feel sort of silly wondering what it all means and wondering what lessons I should take away from his life and death. I do, though.