Dreaming the Life
Grieving is a strange situation. I’ve read a few books on losing a parent since my father died and have been open about how I feel, but I can’t shake the feeling that something is missing. (Obvious joke: My dad is missing!) Honestly, I didn’t expect this to be so difficult. I thought that I had come to terms with the man my father was, his abusive history, and my feelings about it. Still, his death has has a tremendous impact on me and I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do about it.
I dream of my dad most nights and often wake up crying. I haven’t cried in my waking life yet, which I find unsettling. Last night I dreamed my wife and I were there, at my father’s house, and my dad was trying to get us to take Lady, the dog we had when I was about 10 years old, home to North Carolina with us. He thought she’d be a good watchdog while we were away. I don’t recall why I was crying, though. Prior to his death, I did not often recall any of my dreams. Now, though, I frequently remember them with clarity and they’re often breathtakingly realistic to the point that I don’t know I’m dreaming, which is pretty unusual for me.
I feel sort of silly wondering what it all means and wondering what lessons I should take away from his life and death. I do, though.
Comments (RSS)
November 1st, 2007 at 8:29 am
Oh sweetie. I wish I could do more! I wish I wasn’t such a heavy sleeper or just that I would inherently know to comfort you in the middle of the night!
It may not feel like it, but I’m here for you love. I do think it is very important to consider your feelings and think about what you want to take away from both his life and death. I think we (Americans or maybe most humans?) have a tendency to either bottle things up or just not spend enough time thinking about things before we shove it to the side to jump into the rest of our high-paced life. Humans are known for little above their brain power. We may not be as skilled a hunter or able to swing from trees, but we have our brain prowess. That’s what got us into a lot of messes and it’s all we have to get us out of our messes. So don’t feel silly wondering what it all means.
November 2nd, 2007 at 3:32 pm
Dear Jim: I’m so very sorry for your loss. I hope you don’t try to hurry your grief. It can take a long time, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. But since you’ve asked yourself for lessons, please consider a lesson that I keep needing to re-learn, with respect to my dad and his own fucked-up-edness: I don’t have to be him. I can become a better dad, a better husband, and a happier person than he was. You can do that too.
You’re not alone, as Brandi noted. There are lots of folks pulling for you. Feel free to reach out as often, or as little as you like.
Best,
dkp